Mike Birbiglia defined love as “pizza ice cream and delusion”—so here we are.
John Schnatter, the CEO of Papa John’s, is pretty upset about President Obama’s reelection. He’s convinced Obamacare is going to have catastrophic effects on his business. In order to avoid having to provide health care coverage to many of his employees he’s going to be dropping them to below 30 hours a week. He’s also stated that he’ll be increasing the price of his horrible pizza by about 11 cents. Which leads me to the question, isn’t 11 cents per pizza worth it, if it provides health care for his employees? Schnatter has a net worth of $600 million… I see why he needs to raise his prices. Seriously though, people eat at Papa John’s?
This line came from a satirical letter posted on the Daily Kos.
“Hi, I’m John Schnattner, CEO of Papa Johns, with an important message to my loyal customers.
“Now, as you know, the current Adminsitartion has enacted draconian legislation under the name of ‘Health Care Reform’ designed to crush small business owners such as myself. I had hoped that the American People would see fit to elect a more prudent man willing to obliterate Obamacare on Day One, thus saving businessmen like myself from utter bankruptcy and total anhililation. Unfortunately, that was not to be.
“Since this is the case, I have no other option but to cut my staff and reduce the hours of the employees I retain so that I will not have to pay them the ‘benefits’ demanded by this pernicious legislation.
“But to make this work, friends, I will need your help. Currently, I have enough employees on my payroll to meet customer demand. If I reduce their hours, they will be unable to serve you all and our quality will go down; or they will have to work harder and might concievably demand higher wages, which would be even worse than Obamacare.
“So I am asking you, my loyal Papa John’s customers, to stop buying my pizzas. If we can reduce demand, I won’t need as many employees and I will be able to once again manage my payroll. True, fewer customers means less profit; but the less profit I make, the less of it I have to pay to Obama’s taxes.
“So please, for God’s sake, buy pizza someplace else.